This Isn't Cheese
by Lichylichy
Summary: Dr. Two-Brains makes a machine on his day off to try and get more cheese...


It was a gorgeous afternoon in the city... and Dr. Two-Brains was feeling quite upset about that fact. He was seated at a round table, with a rather cheap looking parasol set in the center to keep the sun off whatever person was sitting at it. Across from him sat, of all villains, the Butcher, all smiles. He had his head in one hand, with the elbow of the arm resting on the tabletop, with a rather defeated expression.

"You better have a good reason why you brought me to this tacky café." The doctor groaned, his mouse brain visibly pulsing on his head. "You promised cheese."

"Calm down buddy. It's our day off. You don't have to worry about cheese today." The Butcher grinned at him in a childish manner, hoping to see the doctor take on the same attitude.

"Look, Butcher, it's fine and all that you guys can have days off-" The mousey villain started, before the burlier one interrupted.

"It's a unicycle day off!" The Butcher tried to explain, not understanding that his sentence made no sense.

"A... A what?" The doctor's eyes narrowed slightly as his human brain started whirring to try and figure out what the man was trying to say. Squeaky pulsed harder, getting impatient on his wait for cheese. The Doctor started petting the exposed brain idly with one finger while he thought, simultaneously telling him that if he put up with the meat throwing villain that there would be cheese in the end. Squeaky calmed down, but the hunger for cheese was still a dull throbbing in the back of his mind.

"A... A unicycle day off! You know... a day off for all villains!" The Butcher exclaimed proudly. Dr. Two-Brains looked visibly annoyed and raised his head from his hand, letting it drop to the table.

"Butcher... does that even make any sense to you? Do you know what a unicycle is?"

"Ummm..." The meat maker wasn't expecting that kind of response and was looking kind of nervous.

"Do you know what a bicycle is?" The doctor tried, after finding that the man wouldn't be able to respond appropriately to his question.

"Oh yeah, that's a thing with two wheels and handle bars and pedals! People ride them on nice days like today." He replied, smiling.

"So do you think a unicycle might be more related to a bicycle than to what you are trying to say?" Dr. Two-Brains looked out at the streets from where he sat, sighing as he saw cars pass. Every yellow one reminded him of cheese, and Squeaky would throb again until the car had passed. Across the street was a family: a mother, a father, their son, and their pet monkey...

"Hold it right there, Two-Brains! ... And... The Butcher?" Wordgirl had almost materialized in the middle of their table, knocking the umbrella out of the greasy, corroding peg that it had been situated in.

"Hey Wordgirl!" The Butcher smiled at what should be his arch nemesis. Dr. Two-Brains felt like doing the same... but decided that he was more annoyed with how the villain across from him was acting to actually address her. Besides... Boxleitner was starting to bug him, along with Squeaky. He was going to have quite a headache at the end of the day. "Um... What does unicycle mean?"

"Unicycle? How did that come up in the conversation?" She asked curiously.

"Butcher here thinks that today's a unicycle day off for all villains." Dr. Two-Brains informed her, with a dry sound to his voice.

"The word you are looking for is universal, Butcher. Universal means of, affecting, or done by all people or things in the world or in a particular group. In this case, the entire group of villains in the city are having a day off.. Wait, day off? Why did no one tell me you were having a day off?"

"Do we need to tell you everything that goes on in our lives?" Dr. Two-Brains snapped irritably. Wordgirl looked a little disheartened from the angry retort from the doctor.

"Well... sorry for bothering you. I guess I'll just... go now." She shot away in a blinding flash of light, of which neither villain could track where exactly it went. Immediately Dr. Two-Brains felt bad for what had happened. He shouldn't have bit her head off just because he was a little hungry.

"Wow, I've never seen her down like that before." The Butcher replied, looking in the general direction she had gone in. Dr. Two-Brains posture went lax, and a guilty expression passed over his face before hardening again.

"You don't have to deal with constant hunger. Whenever you get hungry, you can just make a steak and eat where you are. I tried so many times to imitate that... so many experiments trying to change things into cheese. Tried to make cheese out of air. Out of pure energy."

"Hmm? Oh, that. It just comes out of the Meaty Dimension." He replied, making a sausage appear as if it demonstrated that it wasn't of the same dimension as the one he was in.

"... A dimension. Really? That's sound preposterous." The Doctor replied idly, whiskers twitching.

"If preposterous means that it's true, than yeah it's totally preposterous!" The man replied, chewing on the end of the meat stick in his hand.

"Preposterous means that something sound incredibly false, absurd, ridiculous." The scientist informed him, patting Squeaky slightly.

"What? No, even Wordgirl saw it. And her kangaroo thingy."

"Huggy is a chimp." The Doctor corrected. "He's quite obviously a chimp. He exhibits no characteristics of a marsupial of any kind."

"... Well, he went in their, and he ate all the meat!" The Butcher explained.

"... he ate an entire dimension of meat."

"Well... at least the meat closest to the exit." The Butcher frowned, looking at his hands.

"And why doesn't this dimension run out of meat? You tend to throw a lot of it around." The Doctor examined his face for any signs of lying.

"It's eh... self... self... reposi... repositoring?" The Butcher tried, looking hopefully at the Doctor. He almost replied with "self-replicating", but thought better of continuing this conversation. Wordgirl would teach him better eventually.

"So... a dimension made entirely of meat..." The doctor's brains started whirring on the concept. "I've never tried to make a way to get to a dimension of cheese." He reasoned to himself.

"What was that you said, buddy?" The Butcher asked, frowning as the Doctor started to slip further from the conversation that he was having and into the recesses of his mind, where calculations and concepts were being tossed back and forth. He stood up suddenly, startling the Butcher.

"I need to go do something!" He jumped the fence that separated him from the curb, and quickly got into the driver's seat of his van and drove off towards his lab, leaving Butcher all alone at his table. A waitress came by, then, with a notepad in one hand.

"Do you know what you want today?"

* * *

Back at his lab, Two-Brains was hard at work, putting parts together, ratcheting, melding, drilling. Until finally he had made an arch of metal, with a control panel attached to the side of it so he could control it. His two henchmen looked at the creation that Dr. Two-Brains had been working on for only an hour with awe.

"Hey, boss, what does it do?" Meatloaf asked, his counterpart standing beside him with an equally confused expression.

"If it works, it should allow me to reach into a dimension made of cheese!" The Doctor laughed, a huge grin on his face. Meatloaf looked nervous.

"Does this mean we won't be stealing cheese no more boss?"

"Well... I guess it depends on the variation in cheeses that the dimension offers... but we will still hang out if we don't steal anymore." The Doctor had grown attached to his henchmen, as only close friends would. "But we can worry about all that after we get this thing working." He pressed a few buttons on the control panel and pulled a lever. The air between the arch ripped and was tugged forcibly open, allowing the Doctor to reach his gloved hands in to grab for cheese. He slowly felt through the air for floating bunches of cheese for a minute or two, before feeling something solid. He grabbed it and tugged it back, out of the portal. He stared at what looked like a goat with a horn coming out of its forehead.

"Hi! I'm Unico!"

"..." Dr. Two-Brains stared in surprise at the apparent unicorn in his hands. "What the heck is this?"


End file.
